If Genealogy Dominated Reality Television

Let's face it. "Reality" television is anything but real, and frankly it's getting kind of stupid. The stars of the shows are usually pretty boring, so producers cook up all these fake situations to keep the story line moving.

Think all the reality show angles are played out? Think again. The genealogy world is ripe with fresh pitches for this stale medium. Here's what our television line-up would look like if genealogy dominated reality television:

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Seven Utah women juggle family, marriage and genealogy. In the pilot episode, sparks fly during a special trip to the Family History Library as one housewife checks out more film than she can use and proceeds to hog left-handed microfilm reader #2. Will these ladies ever patch things up? Stay tuned...

Citation House - Big Brother
What happens when you put 14 genealogy strangers in a house and film their every family history move? Who knows how to cite a diner menu as a source? Who can perform a reasonably exhaustive search the longest without falling asleep? Losers get voted out. The winner gets a 24k gold embossed copy of Evidence Explained.

You Have No Idea Who You Are
Are you related to an Indian Princess? Was your ancestor the cruise director on the Mayflower? Do you brag about how you finished your genealogy years ago? Be a star as trained professionals obliterate your family tree and highlight your glaring research errors, all for the schadenfreudian pleasure of the television audience.

Genealogy Hoarders
Weekly episodes follow the lives of genealogists and their families that don't understand that these piles of genealogy files are actually part of a "system" and if you move them, all is lost. Episode 1 follows Frank and his family as they battle to get stacks of genealogy books off the dining room table so they can stop eating dinner on tv trays in the family room. Episode 2 follows Sarah as she learns to recycle old journals and sees the top of her nightstand for the first time in three years.

Heritage Wars
A documentary-style series that highlights the best petty arguments and ego clashes at genealogy society meetings. Watch as Joe hates on Bill for drinking coffee without contributing to the coffee fund, Ann glares at society president Jill because of a miscommunication regarding the newsletter, and Barbara scowls in the last row without telling anyone what's bothering her. Get ready to rumble in HERITAGE WARS!!

Family History Pioneers
In the tradition of Texas Ranch House, PBS brings takes us back in time to 1980. Ten "pioneer" genealogists live in a house with no Internet, computer or access to digital collections. All they get are paper pedigree charts, notebook paper, envelopes and a roll of stamps. Can they adapt and survive without modern conveniences? Welcome to genealogy: pioneer style!

Conference Divas
Follow the crème de la crème of genealogy society as they strut their stuff in the big leagues of national conferences. Catty gossip about colleagues? Check. Tipsy industry big-wigs revealing more than they should? Check. Exclusive invitation-only events that make you jealous except when you're invited? Check. Conference divas: you totally hate them except when they invite you to sit at the cool table and then you're besties for life. Or at least until the next conference.

Get your DVRs ready but don't hold your breath. Reality television seems to have lost its way though these shows are worth some play, don't you think?

5 Little Known Genealogy Tax Deductions

Here in the States, it's tax time. But before you send all your money to Uncle Sam, see if you qualify for any of these little known genealogy tax deductions:

1. Deduct $50 per instance of government incompetence inhibiting your process of getting a county record (max $300). Clerk with an attitude, missing volume, and stupid access rules all qualify, but you must document each occurrence with a venting blog post. 

2. Deduct $25 for each full hour of work time you've spent deleting "the definition of professionalism" threads of APG list emails from your inbox. 

3. Receive a $100 sanity credit for your valiant attempts in 2011 to reassure the public and semi-competent media outlets that genealogists aren't out to steal anyone's identities.

4. Deduct 5% of a conference registration fee for each session billed as general genealogy education, but in reality is just a chance for a vendor/speaker to sell products. 

5. Receive a $50 credit for each time in 2011 you had to explain to your friends and/or family that you're into GENEALOGY, not GYNECOLOGY. 

Rejected Genealogy Conference Proposals

Genealogy conference season is almost here. Several groups are accepting speaker proposals for their events. Here are some of the suggested sessions that didn't quite make the cut.

Because We’ve Always Done it This Way: Genealogy Society Bankruptcy in 6 Easy Steps

This session will teach you all the best ways to resist change, including digging in your heels, refusing to listen and alienating other board members. Your group will disband in record pace!

Keep Beating that Dead Horse: Worst Practices for Arguments on Email Discussion Lists

Learn how to resurrect old debates, argue in circles and create random tangents that are guaranteed to fill your email box with countless pointless opinions perfect for wasting time and money!

Advanced Techniques for Making Your Cell Phone Ring During Genealogy Sessions

Join us in this fast-paced session that will show you all the best ways to ignore requests to turn off your cell phone. You will also learn all the loudest ring tones, how to pretend you don’t hear your own phone ringing, and how to stare blankly at your ringing phone as though you have no idea how to answer it. Reserve your seat now!

How to Beat a Ticket from the Citation Police

A well-known genealogy outlaw will show you all the tips and tricks to skirt the law when the citation sheriff comes to town. Includes all the best techniques for designing your own citation “system” that no one else will understand.

New Ways to Judge Others Based on their Lineage Society Memberships

Strategies you can utilize to ensure that everyone knows how important your ancestors are as opposed to others. Learn how to order special pins, clothing and “bling” to show that you’re top dog, making it easy for you to look down on others.

Passive-Aggressive Blogging for Beginners

This in-depth session shows you how to write a blog post about someone that makes you angry without naming names, though everyone knows who you’re talking about. Also includes ways to blow issues out of proportion and write pieces without thinking to ensure you’ll regret what you said tomorrow.

GEN-ealogy or GENE-eaology? Pronunciation Fight Club

There are two camps in the pronunciation of genealogy. The session puts both groups in a closed room. Last man standing wins pronunciation rights.

Overhead Transparencies: A Genealogy Speaker’s Best Asset

Learn the earliest and oldest in overhead transparency technology including fuzzy fonts, blurry images and filling the whole page with text. Audiences will be talking about you in no time!


The fact that these gems were rejected just tells you how many great sessions are offered at regional and national genealogy conferences these days. Get out there and have fun (but turn off your cell phone, please). 

If Genealogists Were In the Tabloids

Nobody cares about actual news anymore. It's the antics of celebrities that get network attention at the top of the hour.

What if genealogists were the celebrities? Here's a look at the gossip tidbits you might see if genealogists were in the tabloids:


Which enthusiastic family historian is slated for the debut edition of Dr. Drew's Genealogy Rehab? She was booked on the show after a week-long courthouse record bender during the middle of her family's vacation.


This genealogy brat pack is back to their conference partying ways. They spend so many late nights at the hotel bar, it's a wonder they can get up for classes!


Guess is pays to talk genealogy at national conferences. This well-known speaker was seen dropping the entire speaker's fee on books at a vendor's booth, yet vehemently denies there is a shopping addiction.


This first lady of genealogy caused quite a conference stir last week by admitting that some of the facts in her family tree are sourceless. The confession caused several audience members to get the vapors and ambulances were called.


Which amusing A-lister is rumored to be giving up family history to launch a line of sexy genealogist t-shirts? His wife sure is an angel to put up with his folly. Look for his clothing line to debut at the NGS conference this spring.


This couple who found love in the archives is raising eyebrows with their wedding registry. The least expensive item on the list is a $75 Civil War pension file!


So you think you can dance? This mild-mannered genealogist recently busted a major brick wall at the Family History Library and celebrated with a victory dance when she thought no one was watching. Look for the video to go viral soon.


This bejeweled blogger has gone to great lengths to hide his real age. Unfortunately, the latest additions to Ancestry.com's yearbook collection include the stone tablets that bear the truth.




Deny it all you want, but I know you'd sneak a peek at the tabloids if they covered genealogy gossip. Perhaps someday when family history goes mainstream. I heard a rumor that we're headed that way...

If Genealogists Ran Hollywood

What if family history influenced the movie industry? What kind of flicks would we see? Here’s a glimpse of what might be coming to a theater near you if genealogists ran Hollywood:

Coroner's Injunction: The Musical

Sherman County Morgue is a cold place by day, but at night its files come alive in this film based on the Broadway smash. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll never look at toxicology the same again. Features the hit songs “Does This Enlarged Spleen Make Me Look Fat?” and “All Five of My Wives Died of Natural Causes.”

Collapsed Pedigree: The Miley Cyrus Story

This indie documentary takes a hard look at the Cyrus family to learn who in their right mind would let a teenager, smoke, drink, get ugly tattoos and put out that gawdawful music. Finally, genealogists are going to get the answers to what society can’t explain.

The Best Little Courthouse in Texas

A crooked sheriff elects his newest bride as county clerk, lowering access to records and raising tempers in Pecan Knob, Texas. Dolly Parton stars as a spitfire small-town citizen who won't take NO for an answer when she wants her grandparents’ marriage certificate. You’ll be saying YES to this All-American comedy about truth, justice, and bound county record books.

My Big Fat Greek Ahnentafel

The Anastasidopolousinidesitis storied ancestral history has more layers than Auntie Ophelia’s falafel recipe. Mateo stumbles on his grandmother’s real birthdate--as well as her previously undiscovered brief first marriage--and shakes his family tree to the core. Will he suffer the wrath of the angry Greek matriarch? Hold on to your pedigree charts in this heartfelt drama.

Arbor Day

Think Halloween is the scariest day of the year? Think again. College co-ed Perry Pedigree thinks she has it all with a fabulous family tree. That all changes on Arbor Day when she discovers her great-great grandfather is one of 20 John Smiths living in the same town at the same time. Watch in horror as she stumbles through Smith wills, land records and censuses in her own personal John Smith hell in ARBOR DAY! 

Now in 3-D!

7 Sources for 7 Marriage Records of 7 Brides for 7 Brothers

Seven brothers get married in 1860 and leave a gold mine of records. 150 years later, their descendants go to battle over the proper way to cite their documents. This contemporary dramedy chronicles the inane citation arguments and figurative beating of dead horses among a cast of characters who have forgotten the true purpose of family history. Since this issue is a constant source of debate, look for a sequel every year, a Lifetime movie and dual reality series on competing networks.

Genealogy Conference: The Movie
From the people who watched Animal House comes Genealogy Conference. The family historians are in town for a tame and serene annual meeting. However when the sun goes down, the party heats up in the summer's wildest ancestry-based blockbuster film. You'll laugh, you'll cry (tears of laughter) and you'll laugh again, but you won't believe your eyes. What happens at Genealogy Conference stays at Genealogy Conference.

Cut. Print. And that’s a wrap, folks.




[Looking for some extra copy for your genealogy society newsletter? This piece is available for republication. Contact me for details.  
--Amy]
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